Psychology Graduation Banquet
March 22, 2002
Toast to the Honours Class
Jamie Campbell, Honours Thesis Coordinator

Thank, it's an honour to be here tonight, especially because this gives me the unique
opportunity to be the inaugural host of the First Annual Undergraduate Psycho
Awards...or "Psychos", for short. The Psychos are University and Corporation
sponsored awards, in a bewildering array of categories, that are awarded to
deserving psychology honours graduates. And I have in my hand, the list of
tonight's winners. By the way, the benefits of these awards are spiritual, rather
than monetary. So be prepared to be uplifted. That's asking a bit much of the
spirits perhaps, so stand up yourself and take a bow if you are a lucky Psycho
recipient.

The Microsoft Outlook "Dubious Alias" Award is given to the student graduating
with the most obnoxious (but potentially appropriate) email address; this year the
Dubious Alias was awarded for this very dubious email address:
"red.rat.bastard@home"; congratulations Miles Bowman! The "@home" part
adds a nice cozy touch to the "red.rat.bastard" part, don't you think?

The World Wrestling Federation (WWF)"Why Can't We Just All Get Along"
Award, which is given in recognition and appreciation of research helping
professional wrestlers discover their inner child ...for her thesis on Relational
Aggression and Social Dominance Theory, this year the "Why Can't We Just All
Get Along" award goes to Leanna Closson.

This is a one-time-only special bio-achievement Psycho award: For having the
absolutely coolest perceptual system in the graduating class of 2002, the Canadian
Psychological Association Paint-by-Number award goes to...Colleen Hardie.

The National Advertisers Association "Bet You Can't Eat Just One" Award, for
her research on Individual Differences in Habitual Suggestibility, goes to
Candace Herman.

We had a tie for the next one: Two winners of the "How Do You Spell NSERC?"
Award. Actually, they're winners of the "How Do You Spend an NSERC
Award?", congratulations to Marianne Hrabok and Lisa Lejbak, NSERC
Postgraduate Scholarship winners.

The Qualitative Research Society's "Just Wanna Have Fun Award" for the
graduating student coming closest to having pop star Madonna make a cameo
appearance in her thesis...the award goes this year to Sarah Joy Kallos; nice work
Sarah Joy.

The David Letterman Award for Most Distinctive Laugh, goes to our own...
Dennis Mah (actually Dennis also was runner up for the Craziest Sounding Laugh
award).

The Office of Research Services' "Hula Award for Hoop Jumping" is given
annually to the student whose research ethics approval requires the most
signatures from the largest number of different organizations...she really deserves
it; she's got hoop burns to show for all the trouble she went through...the Hula
goes to Brenda Maire.

Next, we have the "Wrestlemania 2002 Co-ed Smackdown Award"... this is given
for research contributing to recognition of the intrinsic social value of cross-sex
smackdown bouts; this year, for her research on Mixed-Sex Peer Networks and
Relational Aggression, the award goes to... Lisa Neuvenheim

The Anna Freud "I'm Laughing With You Not At You" Award for both
investigating and consistently exemplifying all the major Freudian defense
mechanisms goes to...Trevor Olson (a walking, talking reaction formation if I
ever saw one).

The Dept. of Psychology "Behind Closed Doors Award" for the graduating
student harbouring the most lurid and embarrassing secrets about psychology
faculty... this goes of course to your undergraduate student rep in Dept. faculty
meetings, Marla Pender (there is another cheque in the mail, Marla).

The SPSS Fear and Loathing award is given to the graduating student who
demonstrates the greatest courage in the face of low statistical power. This year
the SPSS Loathing Award goes to... Kealee Playford (Kealee really deserves it; I
haven't seen power that low since we replaced the battery in Michael
MacGregor's ear-piercing machine!).

The APA Blazing Synapse Award goes to the coolest person in the graduating
class who over-heats a rat brain....this was an obvious choice...congratulations to
Marla Sanderson (actually, a co-requisite for winning the Blazing Synapse
Award is that you ask the sharpest questions during the thesis proposal
presentations. Most excellent questions, Marla).

For her research evaluating second language acquisition programs for new
immigrants the APA "No, Really, I Want You To Be Honest, Did You Just Swear
at Me?"Award goes to Tanya Robertson.

The Wrestlemania 2002 "Save the Bully"Award is given for research heightening
our awareness to the increasingly endangered status of schoolyard bullies in these
trying "politically correct" times...for her research "An ecological look at
victimization in the peer group", the Save the Bully award goes to Jennifer
Tharnhauser.

CPA's "The Best Offense is a Good Unconscious Defense" Award, which is given
for research demonstrating that we really don't have a clue why we doing anything
most of the time...for her research on eating disorders and unconscious Freudian
defense mechanisms...the award goes to Jennie Ward (who also received the
Astonishing Clarity Award for her outstanding thesis proposal).

The Hanes Underwear "We Support Your Subculture" Award, for her research on
the role of autonomy support in cultural values and practices, the Hanes Award
goes to Chelsea Willness (Chelsea also gets A Tip of the Mortar Board Award
for consistent helpfulness and good judgement in the classroom context).

The Tylenol Corporation "Your Pain is Our Gain" Award, for her work on factors
influencing children's adherence to treatment for abdominal cramps, goes to Kim
Tekatch.

Finally, the Dept. of Psychology "If You Think Abdominal Cramps are a Pain you
Should Meet my Thesis Supervisor" Award...known as the Cramp Award...goes to
my student Gabe Buettner; that's right Gabe gets the Cramp. In fact, when I
think about it a minute, everyone in the honours class should get one of these this
year. So, by the power vested in me, everyone gets a Cramp.

Congratulations to all the winners! Have a great evening.